Transcript for Horizon Forbidden West Preview?/Horizon Zero Dawn Review? I dunno what this is…
Reason 1: Because Horizon Zero Dawn Was Terrible…
Well, I did my part. You know I never actually played Horizon Zero Dawn before even though the game came out in 2017. Back then some very nice men in black suits came by after an evening in a Macau casino, giving out free samples of impromptu chiropractic surgery, but since they were all Asian, I was able to distract them by offering my moderately used PS4 while making a hasty escape back to more open-minded and tolerant territory (Canadian flag here). I’ve heard this game talked up by both my optician and school mandated guidance councillor as something worth losing my fingers over, and the impression has stuck with me ever since.
Flash forward to our enlightened year of 2021 (1), and I actually spent money on this not long after it came out. I did it on GOG just to completely fill out my application for entry into the PC gaming inner circle – without waiting for a sale, which given my standing as frequent silver medalist in the miser Olympics and day job as the chairman of the Conservation for Helpful Equities, Assets, Property, And Securities Society (card should read: C.H.E.A.P.A.S.S.), is really saying something. I paid up and what I wanted was temporary escape from my miserable existence. What I got instead was time that should have been spent working on my spaceship to finally get off your stupid planet.
Reason 2: The Story…
Where to even fucking begin? The story is awful. I’m pretty open-minded and also Canadian, so it’s physically impossible for me to divulge negative opinions without risking triggering the self destruct chip embedded in sections C2 of my cervical vertebrae. Yet, I will still be here in approximately five or six minutes of your time that I’m wasting right now. This all comes down to me being fine with post apocalyptic fiction. I’m fine with female protagonists that are passable if uninteresting. I’m fine with technobabble, world saving plots and even a predestined hero that came straight out of free Amazon samples for Young Adult fiction. In the interest of gender equality, I even think it’s refreshing that it’s Aloy’s mother who ran out on her for a pack of smokes and never came back, thus giving her crippling mental disabilities that will one day manifest themselves in real life as medicine addiction but in fantasy always results in the protagonist becoming the stalwart hero of the land. I’m fine with all of this BUT when your story start taking me not for the screaming idiot I am, but the idiot you should never openly acknowledge if you want my business, that’s where I draw the line.
Reason 3: The Story…
Aloy, your strong-girl protagonist is basically every Katniss Everdeen wannabe after 2008. What irks me is how token her struggles become if you only stick to the main missions. She goes from orphaned vagrant to humanity’s last best hope in two story beats. Her potential suitors run the gamut from hot jock mumbling praise to cover for masculine insecurities to waifish sensitive boy who also happens to own the land she walks on as the mightiest of earthly kings. She does have a dead dad but be honest, the moment we all saw that guy was the moment we all collectively said, that fucker is going to die in the first act. I’m surprised Mary Sue didn’t immediately stab him when she reached puberty just so she can jump start her character development and we can all get this fucking show on the road. In short, Aloy, milady hobo heroine, I’m finding it slightly difficult to sympathize with your plight.
Reason 4: The Story…
I think two moments are responsible for the game completely losing me. In Horizon Zero Dawn, Ted Faro, the world’s first trillionaire invented war-waging robots that eventually turned on humanity. The story then has the audacity to say with a very straight face: *Ahem* At the apex of war between humans and machines, Project Zero Dawn is designed as the last hope for the preservation of human history, and direct quote: ‘Ted Faro has agreed to use his wealth to fund the project’ (find appropriate cinematics in game). (pause). Huh. Agreed. FUND? What the fuck is this, Ted? The robot’s stated goals is to strip the earth bare of organic life. What the fuck were you planning on doing with your trillions after that? Hmmmmmm? You know there’s making a point about rampant capitalist greed dooming the world, and then there is ppbt stupidity. Why did he have to be convinced? Why is payment still an issue at that point? You can’t spend money you don’t have and you won’t have money to spend when everybody is dead. Currency is worthless without a functioning society adhering to the basic tenants of economics. Fable 3 had the same problem but its arguably worse here. Wouldn’t a better use of Mr. Faro be to throw his money at every egghead within earshot and beg them to fix his problem for him?
And that brings me directly to my next moment of epiphany. The story goes that as humanity fights a hopeless battle against the machines, Ais are secretly created to preserve the human race for eventual repopulation after the extinction event has passed. A point in the game’s favor for a genuinely interesting concept but it’s immediately undone when the people responsible for this are not the best and brightest of the earth’s scientists, but rather a bunch of idealised representatives from the IT industry. Even in hologram form I saw nobody there over 35 who didn’t look like they stepped out of a San Francisco Startup convention for Diversity and Inclusiveness. That silicon valley circle jerk brings to mind how tech nerds probably think the rest of the world sees them – as the undisputed saviors of all that we are, instead of being those solely responsible for bringing back proletariat bidding labor in the form of the modern gig economy. Also, one of these aforementioned saviors uses the term ‘Alpha’ unironically to describe his killer robots (find exact line in game here). Now I’m no smartypants. What I’m about to say next I got as a random internet fact at some point in my past existence. Alphas originating in the context of wolf packs really mean the most respected member of any given collective. They can be the oldest or wisest, or generally someone who can be counted on as being able to take on a leadership role in order to solve a problem. Parents, in other words, struggling to rein in rowdy children. They ARE NOT the biggest hooligan who beats up the others of the pack and steals their girlfriends. Also, you can’t have every one of your killer robots be Alphas, the very term necessitates there being only one! If my regular sized non-genius brain can utilize the term correctly, that sure puts your fictional hipster virtuoso in a bad light doesn’t it?
5: The… Story?
*Sigh* I hate to sound like a broken record, but you don’t have anything else. Your gameplay is Assassin Creed Robot Dinosaurs Edition, consisting of stealth and collectibles and conversation trees that don’t go anywhere. Your environment is mostly frozen forests dotted with infrequent indigenous settlements. Look, I’m really happy you set your game in Canada but if I wanted that kind of scenery, I can just open a window. Even Assassin’s Creed at least had the free running thing so you can start climbing the backdrop when you get bored. You don’t, and you know things are bad when Ubisoft is laughing you out of the open world locker room for embarrassing inadequacies. On that note, this is also the only game I’ve ever played that screwed up the climax to the point of hilarity. Some have cliffhangers, some just stop making the game and embezzle the rest of the money. This is the only time the final boss fight managed to make me jump up and scrawl WTF on my tv screen during the last battle. Belated Spoiler Warning but given the killer robots are all being controlled by a malicious AI, one would be forgiven for thinking they operated Ultron style, with the software being transferrable between disposable bodies which always makes for a terrifying villain. Lo and behold the big bad—Hades—is literally dragged into scene by his robot oxen as a giant metal ball without arms or legs. I can’t help but wonder what he was going to do if his ride broke down halfway. Was he going to sit at the side of the road blinking his emergency lights for somebody to pull over? I can hear Final Fantasy laughing its 8 bit ass off in the next room, because this whole scene seems more like something you would do to parody overly elaborate boss introductions, and not actually use in what is ostensibly a serious, dramatic moment in the serious dramatic climax of your story. You know what, I’m done. Stockholm Syndrome has essentially promised me that ‘no really, it gets better’ because everyone said so. Well, everyone was wrong. Congratulations, all of you for swindling me out of 40 bucks. And congratulations also Horizon Zero Dawn, for doing what Hideo Kojima couldn’t after 20 years of batshit conspiracy theories about nanomachines by making me actively hate the time I’ve spent on my favorite hobby.
And 1 reason you should…
Because despite everything I said, y’all already did!